150 Rules of Hogwarts
by Gyrfalcon-Smiles
Summary: A series of one-shots on each of the 150 Rules of Hogwarts, as discovered through Facebook. R&R M for Sirius "polishing his wand" in public
1. Chapter 1

Hello! The other day, I discovered this amazing facebook group that had "150 Rules of Hogwarts". Suddenly, I had an idea. Why don't I write fanfictions as to why these rules were invented? So… here goes.

_**I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".**_

* * *

Sirius and James were sitting in James' dormitory planning some pranks, as usual.

"What about …" Sirius suggested, whispering into James' ear.

"Okay, two things wrong with that. One, why are you whispering? We are in my dorm, in the head's commons, NO WHERE NEAR ANY SLYTHERINS! Two, we can't do something _that_ outrageous, I mean, I only just got Lily to go out with me!" James sighed contentedly.

"Mate, snap out of it! Why don't we just charm their robes pink for a day?" Sirius suggested.

"Simple, not too outrageous, but will cause mayhem for the Slytherins… ok, let's do it!"

2 hours later, Sirius and James had worked out the spell. They modified it just so it would only be the Slytherins' robes that would turn pink.

"You do it!" Sirius said, opting out.

"Bags not!" James said, putting his thumb to his forehead in a 'bags not' fashion.

"Ugh, why is it every time we create a new spell, neither one of us want to test it?" Sirius asked, sighing.

"You're just upset that you have to try it out every time because you never remember the rules of 'bags not'" James laughed.

Sirius grumbled as he mumbled the incantation, with a swish of his wand. Suddenly, screams were heard through-out the castle.

"That sounds a bit more than just Slytherins…" Sirius murmured. James nodded. They snuck out of the dorm and ran towards the Great Hall. Every one in there, excepting the Gryffindors, were dressed in fluro pink robes. Not including the teachers, though. All of the Gryffindors, and some of the friendlier Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were laughing, though all of Slytherin glared at the Gryffindor table.

"Well, I'd still call that a success!" Sirius gasped between laughter.

"Totally!" James laughed. They sat down with Lily and Remus, both looking highly amused at the prank.

"Let me guess… you made your own spell?" Remus asked knowingly. Sirius nodded.

"Not again!" Lily laughed. "Uh, guys? Here comes trouble."

Three Hufflepuffs were stalking over to were James, Sirius, Remus and Lily sat, eyes blazing with fury.

"Potter, Black, can you please explain to us why we are wearing these horrific colours?" asked Amos Diggory, the Hufflepuff currently poking Sirius in the chest. Sirius poked him back, but with his spoon.

"Well, you have to admit, it looks a sight better than being covered in bees, but if you really mu-"

Amos Diggory and his cronies launched themselves at James and Sirius, crashing into the table. Punches were thrown left and right, causing the girls at the table to scream. Teachers ran down to Gryffindor table, including Professor McGonagall.

"Boys! Stop this nonsense! BOYS!!!" Professor McGonagall stepped between the two sets of boys. They all still struggled to attack each other, yelling and shouting insults at each other.

"EVERYONE! Settle DOWN!" McGonagall sent ropes out of her wand to bind the boys.

"Okay boys, to my office!" She called, levitating the 5 boys to her office.

"Oooooh, they are in trouble!" Remus laughed.

* * *

Two days later, the Hogwarts rules were reprinted to include the newest rule:

I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

* * *

**That's all for now folks! Now, I'm off to write the second chapter!!**

**Shroomy**


	2. Chapter 2

_**12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.**_

Draco was late to Quidditch practise. He had recently been training with the Beaters, and had actually been switched to said position while Crabbe's arm was mending. Draco quickly ran the last couple hundred metres to the Quidditch Pitch, broom in hand.

"Draco, you're late. 20 laps of the pitch, go." Flint grunted. Draco did as he was told. Finally, he had finished.

"We couldn't get the proper training gear for today, so you will be practising beating with _house-elves._"

Draco smirked. House-elves. What a laugh. Draco grabbed Dobby, his own former house-elf.

"Mister Draco is not my master, I doesn't have to do as Mister Draco has says. I won't be Mister Draco's training tool. I will tells on Mister Draco to the S.P.E.W!!!" Dobby howled as he was lifted up by Draco and whacked with the Beater's bat, hitting Goyle in the arm.

"Well done, Malfoy." Flint laughed.

* * *

Dobby ran to Hermione Granger later that night, covered in bandages, and limping from the still-healing fracture in his leg.

"Missy Hermy! Missy Hermy! I has news for S.P.E.W!" Dobby called as he spotted the girl in the library.

"Oh my goodness, Dobby, tell me what happened!" Hermione asked, getting out her quill and some parchment.

"Well, Mister Marcus came into the kitchen this morning…"

* * *

Draco Malfoy and Marcus Flint were charged with a week's worth of detention, as well as being banned from the Quidditch pitch for the next two games. The newest rule had been petitioned by S.P.E.W (so Hermione, as well as Harry and Ron, both being forced to join Hermione as she went to Dumbledore) and had been passed instantly. The newest rule was added to the growing list on the wall.

"Stupid mudblood…" Draco mumbled as he cleaned Tom Riddle's Special Services to the School award, though there appeared to be some sort of slime on it…

* * *

**The slime is Ron's great slug puking fiasco, if you don't understand the last sentence.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**107. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.**_

"Ready?" Fred asked his mirror image.

"Of course!" George replied. He then turned to their group, an accumulation of Gryffindors from each year, including Harry, Ron, Colin Creevey, Ginny, Neville, and Luna had snuck along to join in the festivities.

"Has everyone learnt their words?" Gred asked. The group answered with a chorus of 'Yes'.

"Has everyone brought along their props?" asked Feorge. Once more, there was a chorus of 'Yes' from all around the room. Everyone was hyped up and excited.

"OK, all, off to the Quidditch Pitch!" Fred and George yelled together. The group followed them as they entered the Quidditch game together, drawing a bit of attention. They claimed their reserved seats in the stands, right by the middle of the field. The game was between Hufflepuff and Slytherin, and it began at 11.30 promptly.

"And…. They're off! Diggory to Smith! Smith to Andrews! Andrews passes it off, but Flint intercepts… What is it the crowd is singing?"

Fred and George had gotten their crowd to sing, all at once…

"BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM!

SNAAAAAKE!

SNAAAAAKE!

OH NO, IT'S A SNAKE!

BADGER! BADGER…"

As they sang, 'Mushroom!', everyone threw up mushrooms into the air, which rained down on the nearby students watching the game. Some laughed, others looked scandalised. Including a very red Professor Snape.

"BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! BADGER! MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM!"

"Would everyone in stand B please go to the Great Hall?" Professor McGonagall requested over the commentator's voice, using the 'sonorous' charm. The group complied, still singing their song.

Once the group reached the Hall five minutes later (still singing), they found Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape. Snape looked as though he was about to chew off heads, while McGonagall was obviously trying to avoid bursting out in laughter.


	4. Chapter 4

**2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class****  
**

It was Fred and George's first ever Care of Magical Creatures class, and _boy_ were they scared. Not only did Charlie tell them that they were going to see Dragons, but Bill had said that they were going to have to feed them and clean them too. And of course, when Fred and George get nervous, they do what they do best. Prank.

"Hey Fred?"

"Yes, George?"

"I have an idea…"

The class gathered around as they looked at the harmless Bowtruckles. Professor Kettleburn began the dull lecture on them as the class watched two bowtruckles wrestle over the wood lice they had been given. Suddenly, Fred stood up next to the enclosure where the bowtruckles were being kept. He pointed at them.

"Crikey, there they are, in their natural habitat – the Bowtruckle, ready to take a chop outta ya with it's mighty choppers!" He said, gesturing wildly.

"Aye, and they've got some competition! Looks like the Sheila wants a piece of his tea. Now, watch as they wrestle, they grapple, trying to get to that one bit of dinner!" George joined in, peering over the enclosure wall.

Students in their class giggled. Professor Kettleburn was still lecturing, and hadn't seemed to have noticed.

"That is what is inspiring folks, the passion and the drive of the Bowtruckle. This here fella won't give up on his food, no sir, he will battle with that Sheila until one of them stands victorious. Look at 'em go!" Fred said, pointing.

The other students in the class laughed as the male bowtruckle tackled the female, causing her to trip.

"It's natural WWE folks, just plain ol' regular wrestling. And they do every day, just to get some of that delicious wood lice." George said.

The twins had _terrible_ Australian accents, but no doubt about it, these two were having fun.

However, Professor Kettleburn was not.

"What in Merlin's beard are you two doing! Detention, both of you , my office 8 o'clock tonight! And 20 points from Gryffindor.

"Observe, the cranky pants teacher in his natural habitat." George whispered under his breath.

"Obviously biased towards his house." Fred continued under his. Kettleburn was Head of House for Hufflepuff.

"What did you two say?" Kettleburn asked suspiciously.

"Nothing!" The twins chimed innocently.


	5. Chapter 5

**3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".****  
**

Sirius Black was a rebellious child. At age 8 he refused to wear his suit to his Aunt's wedding, and accidently transfigured it into a gorilla suit. Two minutes before the ceremony began. He was the ring boy.

At age 10, he bought a muggle lock and locked his room. He then swallowed the key.

He forgot to go inside his room first, and spent the next week on the couch until his parents opened his room again.

And at age 15, he grew marijuana in Greenhouse 6 at Hogwarts.

"Pads, where are you going? You don't have Herbology now!" Remus hissed as Sirius (in his animagus form) sauntered down to Greenhouse 6, while Remus went to his Herbology class in Greenhouse 4.

"Woof!" Sirius barked happily, sprinting in the grass. The sun shone brightly down on him as he rolled around a bit, before bounding off to Greenhouse 6.

Once there, he met James, who was in one of the far corners at the back of the greenhouse. There they kept a pot plant.

"So what is this, Sirius?" James asked, looking at the plant confusedly.

"Marijuana, James. Marijuana." Sirius explained.

Half an hour later, Sirius and James were high as kites. They ran around crazily, staring at the sun's reflection off of the lake. The lay back on the grass and wondered _how on earth_ the sky was blue, and why the fluffy things looked so much like animals. Sirius stared at his hand for a full 5 minutes before coming to the conclusion that it was made of candy. Biting down on it hard, he realised he may have been wrong.

James then decided to go skinny dipping in the lake. During the middle of the day. Sirius thought it was a great idea, so both boys began stripping off.

This is when McGonagall found them – James without a shirt or pants, yet in his boxers, thank Merlin. Sirius, however, was completely starkers.

"MR POTTER, MR BLACK, MY OFFICE. NOW."

"Minnie, we were growing it for an extra credit project for Herbology. Now we're gonna _faaaaaaail._!" Sirius pouted.

"Mr Black, I refuse to believe growing muggle drugs is somehow _"extra credit"_.' McGonagall frowned.

"Detention, the two of you. Cleaning every bathroom in the classroom. Tonight!" McGonagall said.

"But-" Both boys protested. They had Quidditch practise tonight.

"TONIGHT!" McGonagall said firmly, then left her office, her robes disappearing out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not. **

Sirius sat in the back of the common room, shrouded by shadows. He pulled out his wand, deciding it was in need of a good polishing, after Snivellus had touched it this morning. He grabbed a handkerchief from his pocket and began to polish it.

Then brilliance struck, or so he thought.

It was late at night, and he hadn't hooked up with anyone in a while… plus he had that bet with Remus that he couldn't shock James…

He grabbed the communication mirror from his pocket.

"Oy, James."

"Yeah?" his mate said through his own mirror.

"Meet me in the common room in a minute?"

"Sure thing."

James walked into the common room with Lily, just after their rounds. He spotted Sirius and walked over. And then he realised what he was doing.

"OH MY MERLIN, PADS, NOT IN HERE!" James shouted, covering his eyes.

"SIRIUS BLACK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Lily exclaimed. She turned around, blushing.

5 minutes later, Sirius was escorted out of the common room by a scandalised James Potter, en route to Professor McGonagall's office.

"Remy owes me 5 galleons." Sirius laughed. "And I was only polishing my wand!"

"Oh, shut up, Pads." James muttered.

The next morning, a revision was made to the Hogwarts rules, one that Professor McGonagall had thought was "exceedingly obvious" and "didn't need to be outrightly expressed".


	7. Chapter 7

**20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak. **

Seamus smiled. No, not smiled, grinned. Evilly.

It was first year. And first year meant being alone, and scared of every teacher. But it was exceedingly difficult to be scared of a teacher when all you can think is _'He looks like Kenny'_.

And whenever Professor Quirrel walked into a class, this thought struck Seamus. And he would laugh. Quietly, and only to himself, but laugh he would.

Dean was the first to notice this recurring behaviour, about a week into the semester.

"Why do ya keep laughing, ya nut?" He asked after DADA.

"Well… he looks like Kenny, don't ya think?" Seamus asked.

"Kenny?"

"Yeah, Kenny, from South Park. You know, the one with the orange anorak? The one who always dies?" Seamus explained.

"Oh! Him! Yeah, he sorta does, doesn't he?" Dean laughed.

The two laughed all the way back up to Gryffindor tower.

"You know, someone should transfigure his robes to be an orange anorak." Seamus commented about a week later.

"Definitely. That would be legendary." Dean agreed.

"But who?" Seamus asked.

That was the question.

The next to notice Seamus' behaviour was Hermione Granger.

"Seamus, why do you keep laughing at poor Professor Quirrel?" Hermione enquired, about a month after Dean had discovered his secret.

"Well…" And Seamus explained. Hermione, instead of pitching a fit (as they'd expected), laughed and agreed. And even promised to help them with their plans to transfigure his robes.

"That'll show Ronald who is a goody-good." She mumbled to herself.

Finally, the day of the prank arrived. Hermione woke early to sneak over to Professor Quirrel's quarters. There she waited. When he exited his room, Hermione quietly cast the charm that would change them into a bright orange anorak.

Her spellwork was magnificent, as always.

Defence Against the Dark Arts was their first class.

This was going to be interesting.

"Good Morning Professor Quirrel!" The class echoed at the beginning of the lesson.

"Excellent. Now, I shall call the r-roll. Hannah Ab-b-bott?"

"Here."

"Lavend-d-der B-b-brown?"

"Here, Professor."

"Seamus F-f-f-Finnegan?"

"Here, Kenny."

…

…

"W-w-what d-did you say?"

"Here, Professor."

"Ind-d-deed. Hermione G-g-granger?"

"C-can anyone t-t-tell me where y-y-you can f-f-find a v-v-vampire?"

Seamus put his hand up.

"Mr F-f-Finnegan?"

"I here Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders, Kenny. You should ask one of them to find one for you."

The rest of the class snickered.

"Mr F-f-Finnegan, w-what d-do you k-keep c-calling me?"

"Nothing, Professor."

The class bell rang.

"C-class d-d-dismissed! Homework d-d-due t-tomorrow!"

"Thanks, Kenny!"

Unfortunately, at this moment, Professor McGonagall was walking past the open door that lead into the DADA classroom.

"What in god's name did you call Professor Quirrel, Mr Finnegan?"

"Nothing, Professor!"

"Don't lie to me, boy. You called him Kenny! Why on earth did you call him that?"

"Well, Professor, if you haven't noticed, he's wearing an orange anorak."

"I had noticed." Professor McGonagall noted dryly.

"Well, there's a muggle cartoon which he looks quite like right now. Due to the anorak, you see."

"I'm listening."

"And it was for a bit o' humour, Professor, we didn't mean no harm."

"Of course not."

"Thanks, Professor." Seamus sighed in relief. He had appeared to have gotten out of that rather easily.

"I'll see you and Mr Thomas tonight for detentions, then." Professor McGonagall decided.

"What? Why?" Seamus and Dean protested.

"You two were disrespecting your Professor. Also, I believe the two of you are behind this anorak business. I'll see you tonight, boys."

And with that, McGonagall left.

During detention that night, Professor McGonagall added the newest rule to the Hogwarts rules:

"I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak."


End file.
